I’m completely at a loss right now, can’t decide, part of me doesn’t want to, but most me does just so I can get on with it. As regular readers will know I’m taking break from seeing one of my friends because I had feelings for her, which she didn’t share, the idea was that in that time I would be able to sort everything out. But its been playing on my mind a lot lately, its just over a month into the 4 month ‘probation’ and I really don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to not have to see her again, for a very long time I kept my feelings a secret, and that caused me a huge amount of grief and pain and heartache. Now it is out in the open I don’t know if it will work anymore, it seems to me sometimes that the spark that kept our friendship alive is gone, to me at least, I don’t know what she thinks. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t see her anymore, I’m not sure, I’m tired of having feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t know why this is getting to me lately since I haven’t thought about it in quite a while, maybe its because I seeing someone now, I’m not sure. But whatever the reason I’m torn between the two choices, I keep telling myself that by the time it comes to see her again things will have sorted themselves out, but I don’t think so, what I want to do varies so dramatically depending on my mood I can’t think clearly, I should just make the decision now and be done with it, but I can’t decide. This is really frustrating for me because I’m normally a very decisive person, I don’t dither on things, I look at the situation and make a decision, but here I can’t. I wish there was someone to tell me what I should do but there isn’t. And not thinking about it isn’t working anymore. I don’t want to throw away our friendship, but I’m wondering if there is anything left of it that can be salvaged, or if we are broken and can’t be fixed. In a lot of ways she isn’t good for me, but we’ve been through a lot together and I don’t want to lose that. It is very frustrating, maybe it would be best if I finished it, like I was going to do before, I don’t know.
So I’m back, been a bit busy hence the lack of posts. I’m feeling a lot better right now, but I can’t enjoy it as much as I normally would because things have been so bad lately that I’m afraid that I will slide back into it. So what’s changed? Well nothing really, I’m just on an upswing, I’ve been spending a lot more time with my friends lately so maybe that’s part of the reason, though I have a minor set back a little while ago. A girl in one of my tutorials asked me out (a novelty since I usually do the asking, but it makes a nice change). I’ve had some bad experiences with relationships in the past so I got a little freaked out, but in the end I decided what the hell. We’ve been out a couple of times now and its going well but I am worried about what comes next. Either it won’t work out and that will be that, or it will and I’ll have to tell her about my craziness, or at least the parts I can’t keep hidden. Which I never enjoy doing, hence the reason there are a grand total of 5 people in the world (apart from you good readers and I’m sorry but you don’t count since you don’t know who I am) who know about it and of those 5 1 knows the whole story (my therapist) and 1 knows most of it. The other 3 have more of an abridged version, and don’t know about my PTSD because the story behind that is just too hard for me to tell. And I’m worried that if I tell her about my depression and anxiety I might scare her off or something, I really don’t know but given my luck with women it wouldn’t be surprising. I also had a very cheery thought the other day, as a trained rescuer in the State Emergency Service (for non-Aussies the SES in a volunteer emergency response agency, we deal with everything from floods and storm damage, to road crashes, land searches, natural disasters, you name it.) I’m capable of saving people’s lives from some pretty bad situations, yet I can’t even get myself straightened out mentally and emotionally, so in a way I’m a bit of a hypocrite, saving others when I can’t even save myself. A nice thought to leave you guys on.
WARNING: I think flu medicine and my other meds don’t mix well because I feel like I’m drunk, or maybe they mix very well since that’s the case. Depending on your opinion, so this post will be a bit rambling.
For a long time I’ve devoted considerable energies to trying to be more of what I think people want me to be, and that has resulted in considerable stress for me, for very mixed results. And I’m very tired, why the hell should I care if I’m friends of friends, so long as we can be in the same room its all good. I’m really tired of trying (and failing a frustratingly large percentage of the time) to forge relationships with people by pretending, or by trying to act in a way that isn’t natural. When I was in high school I dated a girl who was frustrated that I didn’t get on with her air head friends, which (she said anyway) led to her cheating on me with one of my friends. Who I subsequently head butted in the face. In front of about 20 or 30 students and a few teachers. Nutting that prick felt amazingly good, I regret nothing. But we digress. My point is that I’m not what you’d call a people person, thanks to my family moving around so much I learned not to become too attached to people because you never know when you will leave and never see them again. So my social skills and more than a little underdeveloped to put it delicately. This means I try and over compensate, and come off as a cocky arse sometimes, or as awkward, or weird, or annoying, or as just a wanker. But when I meet someone I can just be me around, when I find the diamonds amongst the shit, we stick together like glue, I’d do anything for my friends, because it takes a special type of person to put up with me, and an even rarer type to understand me. BUT, and there is a big but here, there is someone who I still don’t know what I will do about. Regular readers will know what I’m talking about (again.) I have a friend, we briefly went out a couple of years ago, but things ended and we became friends, however I still had feelings for her, I recently told her that and it didn’t work out as I’d hoped. We’re taking a break now for a few months, which I hope will give me time to sort out my feelings for her. But if I can’t I don’t want to go back to go back to how we were before, which would mean ending the friendship. I can’t stand by and just be her friend if I still feel this way, especially now she’s started seeing someone. I could just about handle it before, I couldn’t watch her with someone else. I’m not going to make a decision right now because my feelings are still too raw, I hope that some time apart will help me get myself sorted out, she is a good friend and I don’t want to lose her, but I can’t watch the girl I love with someone else, and before that the fact that she didn’t want the same things I did caused me a lot of problems on the whole crazy front. But hopefully I’ll get myself sorted out, but I have no way of knowing what will happen, or what I should do. Time will tell either way I guess. A quote I heard a few days ago keeps coming to mind “Loving someone who doesn’t love you is like waiting for a ship at the airport.”
So I have come to the conclusion that not only do I have one or two self-destructive tendencies (not a new realisation) but that I may be a very long lived suicide victim. No matter what I do to try and improve my situation I always seem to pick the most painful path through life, no matter how much I try and resist it I always end up doing things that I know will hurt me but I do them anyway. I honestly can’t explain this, other than that they sometimes seem like a good idea at the time, though usually I know exactly they won’t end well. It’s like I have to constantly check if the stove is hot by putting my hand on it, even though I can see it is glowing red hot. Maybe I’m just a masochist, maybe I subconsciously think I need to punish myself for something, or maybe I’m just too stupid to learn from my mistakes, even the most painful lesson needs reinforcement. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t said to myself “no I won’t do that, I will just end up getting hurt and it will result in me sitting on my bedroom floor at 3 in the morning drunk as a skunk mentally beating myself up.” I don’t understand why I keep doing this stuff, perhaps I’m hoping that one day one of these decisions will pay off and I’ll magically be lifted up out of my current cynical self into something closer to what I want to be. Though it’s been a bloody long wait. Shit, I’m probably just determined to be a fuck up my whole life and won’t admit it to myself, whichever way you look at it I’m fucking doomed, I’ll probably arrive at the gates of Hell thinking “remind me why I did that again?” But I can’t deny, even though it isn’t healthy just occasionally, it is pretty goddamn fun, so maybe I just live for those moments. But more likely I’m simply a dickhead.
So I’m gradually getting back on an even keel, which hopefully means I can get off these meds soon. I really don’t want to be on them any longer than I have to, they have some very strange side effects, one of them Seroquel (or however its spelt) was just in the news because of all the nasty side effects it had on soldiers with PTSD. I haven’t gotten any of the really bad ones like they were talking about but all the pills together are really annoying me. Also because of the meds I can’t drink at the moment and I rather enjoy a drink with friends or after a long day. Though in the past I’ve also used drink as a way of dealing with my problems so I guess it’s a catch 22. Now that I’m getting back to normal I can make it up to some people who I was a bit short with and thank the couple of friends who helped make things a bit easier. I might not have many friends but the ones I do have I wouldn’t trade for anything. So I’m crawling back to some semblance of normality (by my standards anyway) though that won’t stop me from being a dour bastard most of the time. The thing that I was most reminded of with recent events is how difficult it is for me to interact and relate with other people, its really frustrating, like when I meet friends of friends I try and be friendly and somehow some of them take against for no reason I can see (though other times I know full why and don’t give a fuck) and its really frustrating. I don’t know where I go wrong most of the time, it’s like dealing with an alien species sometimes, probably another reason why I value the friends I do have so much, they are the only ones who can put up with me.
So I’m not sure where I am at the moment, not really up, not really down, I think it’s the anti-depressants, without them I’d probably feel like shit so I guess they’re doing some good. But it is a very strange feeling, but kind of fitting as well. I don’t know where I stand on a lot of things at the moment. A few days ago I decided that I couldn’t see my friend anymore, because of the feelings I still have for her. I really didn’t want to do it but I told her I couldn’t see her anymore. She could tell I didn’t want to stop seeing her (I also said I didn’t want to stop being her friend) so instead she suggested a 4 month ‘probation’ where we don’t see each other, talk to each other, block each other on Facebook, basically act as if we were no longer friends. I hadn’t thought of anything like that and was all too happy to agree, it will hopefully give me some time to get myself together, and sort out my feelings for her. They wouldn’t go away if I had kept seeing her, or they would have by now. Though I still did the single most nerve wracking thing I’ve done in recent memory, I told her I love her. I’ve never said that to anyone before, and saying it to someone you know doesn’t feel the same way is a very strange feeling. I don’t know why I did it, but I felt like it needed to be said, so she would understand. I don’t know if this probation will work or not, but I guess it says a lot about her that even after all the drama I’ve inflicted upon her recently she still wants me around that she would suggest that. I hope I can get myself sorted out, I really don’t want to lose her, but I’m still afraid that it won’t be enough. I guess only time will tell. Four months can be a long time.
Still can’t focus on anything for long, but the meds have started to kick in, it feels like a defeat really, I’ve never been on medication for anything like this before, now I’ve got pills to make me happy, pills to make me calm, pills to make me sleep (I only use them when I have to, I have bad nightmares and when I take sleeping pills I can’t wake up) and pills to get me up the next morning. They are the only thing holding me together right now, but at least I’m not nose diving anymore. But it will probably be a couple more days before things start to get back to normal. I don’t know how long I’ll be on the meds for, but as soon as I’m able to cope again I plan to stop taking them. I don’t like the idea of being reliant to medication to manage my problems because it just treats the symptoms, not the cause. But my therapist was right, without these pills I would have gone into complete melt down and I’m not sure what would have happened then. I’m still close to the edge, but I don’t feel like I’m about to fall off anymore, I know that’s just all these shiny new pills talking but you’ve gotta take what you can get. Even if the meds do have some weird side effects.